Thoughts: A Single View of Marriage

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A Single View of Marriage

Disclaimer

I want to make a big disclaimer and say that these thoughts are strictly from the "outside looking in." I'm not married, and quite honestly have had very little interaction with women. All I have are observations as a single person, so I'm open to all feedback.

Perhaps I observe more than I should, but it's impossible to miss what you see at work, church, a restaurant, or even in the aisle of a supermarket. Sometimes the most powerful statements about a relationship are made in the shortest of moments—the smallest of details—the ones in which we think no-one sees.

The negatives

Rob & Laura Petrie arguing in The Dick Van Dyke Show

Everyone agrees that a healthy marriage requires love, commitment, discipline, selflessness, and constant communication—none of which are easy, and certainly requires a lot of work! However, other than the anticipation of the wedding and the honeymoon, are there any benefits of this commitment and hard work? It seems after that (at least according to the media and even a number of people I've talked to) it's all downhill from there.

Too much negativity: It's no surprise that the media is rife with comic strips such as the Lockhorns or Andy Capp constantly depicting negative aspects of marriage—after all, it's a given that Satan is more than happy to attack what God ordained, and meant for good. Granted, they wouldn't have an audience if there were no element of truth to them, but all the more reason to wonder where the positive side of marriage is ever shared or celebrated?

Not enough sharing: Providing it wasn't too personal, when was the last time a married friend shared what they appreciated about being married? Perhaps a thought or aspect of it? It seems strangely natural—almost expected—to hear complaints or jokes about marriage or spouses, and yet almost unthinkable to hear positive aspects or thoughts being shared. Does sharing something positive almost sound ludicrous or impossible?

Some examples...

Common complaints about "honeydo" lists, generalizations about the other sex, such as being "too emotional" or why you don't want to talk right away when you get home.

Someone I knew was asked to share a few thoughts at an engagement celebration for his friend and their fiance. Toward the end of his speech, his words were essentially "don't try to understand your wife—you won't be able to" which not only belittled his friend's fiance, but his own wife, and every woman present at the celebration.

The practical translation of this is selfishness, lack of respect and love, and is evidenced by: little or no physical contact, minimal eye contact, demeaning comments (especially in front of others), and no motivation to understand or resolve problems.

The challenge from God's Word

Why do men and women sometimes seem to annoy each other? Why is there often a cynical attitude towards the way God made them—the things that make them unique—and that they cannot change? It's healthy to be able to laugh at ourselves and admit our differences—after all, they are real—but great care must be taken in what the underlying attitude is in all of it. The old saying, "often the truth is spoken in jest" can be very revealing. There's a fine line in humor; it's okay to laugh, but not at the expense of others. Never should a genuine concern or question be dismissed from either side. I've always been encouraged when seeing a married couple desire to understand and accept each other in the way God made them. I'm sure it's not easy to do, but setting aside pride, and being honest about ourselves and our attitudes will go a long way in minimizing potential bumps and needless arguments. I believe men and women can understand each other, even when the bottom line comes down to hormones (in one way or another, every one of us are affected by them). However, it undoubtedly takes genuine effort and motivation to ask those questions.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (GWT): "Get rid of your bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing, and hatred. Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ."

Colossians 3:18-19 (GWT): "Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority. This is appropriate behavior for the Lord's people. Husbands, love your wives, and don't be harsh with them."

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (GWT): "Therefore, encourage each other and strengthen one another as you are doing."

1 Peter 3:1-7 (GWT): "Wives, in a similar way, place yourselves under your husbands' authority. Some husbands may not obey God's word. Their wives could win these men for Christ by the way they live without saying anything. Their husbands would see how pure and reverent their lives are. Wives must not let their beauty be something external. Beauty doesn't come from hairstyles, gold jewelry, or clothes. Rather, beauty is something internal that can't be destroyed. Beauty expresses itself in a gentle and quiet attitude which God considers precious. After all, this is how holy women who had confidence in God expressed their beauty in the past. They placed themselves under their husbands' authority as Sarah did. Sarah obeyed Abraham and spoke to him respectfully. You became Sarah's daughters by not letting anything make you afraid to do good. Husbands, in a similar way, live with your wives with understanding since they are weaker than you are. Honor your wives as those who share God's life-giving kindness so that nothing will interfere with your prayers."

In His Word, God presents both the needs and concerns of marriage, but also the wonder and beauty of what He deems holy. Parts of Colossians, Ephesians, and 1 Corinthians for example, deal with loving your spouse for who they are, while the Song of Solomon vividly describes the beauty of intimacy and passion. Throughout Scripture, it's clear that God intended marriage to be something very beautiful and honorable—not cheap, or second-rate as the world relentlessly depicts.

The positives

Rob & Laura resolving their differences

What are the positives? While human nature dictates there will always be a "grass is greener on the other side of the fence", here are at least two big benefits of marriage:

Intimacy: being vulnerable, yet safe; complete openness, a journey of knowing and bonding with a member of the opposite sex to the full
Family: joy/challenges of children, living the example of Christ and His church

I know it's very easy for me to see marriage through rose-colored glasses, but if you really think about it, I often wonder if that isn't how God wants us to see it, even if it is easier said than done. We need to be realistic—problems will come—but without a positive goal in mind, what is there to strive for?

Benjamin Franklin once said:

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

Marriage is a good and honorable thing. There are plenty of Scripture verses that talk about this, but here are just a few:

Hebrews 13:4 (GWT): "Marriage is honorable in every way, so husbands and wives should be faithful to each other. God will judge those who commit sexual sins, especially those who commit adultery."

Proverbs 18:22 (GWT): "Whoever finds a wife finds something good and has obtained favor from the Lord."

Deuteronomy 24:5 (GWT): "A man who has recently been married will be free from military duty or any other public service. For one year he is free to stay at home and make his new wife happy."

Proverbs 19:14 (GWT): "Home and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a sensible wife comes from the Lord."

Proverbs 31:28-31 (NIV): "Her children and her husband stand up and bless her. In addition, he sings her praises, by saying, 'Many women have done noble work, but you have surpassed them all!' "Charm is deceptive, and beauty evaporates, but a woman who has the fear of the Lord should be praised. Reward her for what she has done, and let her achievements praise her at the city gates.""

Some examples...

I've appreciated the example of spouses who don't make fun of their wives either in public or at home:

Denis & Judy Fogo: a couple who had a friendly pillow fight together—I'd never seen a married couple do that before—and they weren't newlyweds, either. They had fun!

Time of sharing: before one of my fellow coworkers (who was 45 years old) was married, the men where I work held a very different bachelors party for him: an evening of encouragement and sharing. It was a great example to me of husbands sharing both the joys and difficulties of marriage, and the ways in which they were motivated to resolve them, and throughout it all to love, respect, and appreciate their spouses.

Two coworkers: two engineers I knew/have known for a number of years—Steve Wilson and Mike Axman—never said anything negative about their wives in front of me. There was, and has always been, a very solid, mutual respect between them and their wives.

Bruce & Carol Britten: a couple who continually lived God's Word in front of me, and who expressed their appreciation for each other in front of others. Bruce frequently shared in his prayer letters the ways in which his wife was thoughtful of him by always having a meal ready even on days when he got home late from work, and how she never complained or was negative about it.

Mike & Tracy Yoder: a couple who led Nappanee Missionary Church's "242" Small Church (so named for Acts 2:42) for several years. Mike complimented Tracy in class several times—a good example of building each other up (especially in front of others—not in a prideful way, but a thankful, sincere manner) that makes all the difference.

The Dick van Dyke Show: Rob & Laura Petrie worked through problems and misunderstanding, and sought to understand one other without belittling each other. Even within the show, there is a dramatic contrast between Rob & Laura's relationship, and the relationship between Buddy Sorrell (Rob's coworker), and his wife "Pickles". Most of the episodes were written by Carl Reiner, who based the relationship of Rob & Laura on his own marriage—pretty rare for a secular comedy show in the 60s.

The practical translation of this comes in the form of love, sensitivity, forgiveness, respect, understanding, patience, honor, and is evidenced by: playfulness, frequent eye contact and smiles, physical contact such as hugging/kissing (and more), an enduring thoughtfulness, admiration, and motivation to resolve problems quickly.

Encouragement

I've been challenged by those who have displayed trust and patience for their mates, and who seek to understand motives and feelings instead of simply brushing them off. Married couples have the opportunity to demonstrate Christ and encourage those watching them more than they may think in how they talk to, with, and about their spouse.

I'm a firm believer in Genesis 2:18. In spite of not having found a wife, I always appreciate being able to learn as much as I can from others' experience and godly advice. From the single view, I want to say "Thank you!" to those couples whose examples and testimonies demonstrate biblical love for each other in very real, and practical ways. I want to encourage you to continue honoring God, striving to love and understand your spouse, and seeking to have fun together. Always.

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