Thoughts: A Single View of Marriage

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A Single View of Marriage

Disclaimer

I want to make a big disclaimer and say that these thoughts are strictly from the "outside looking in." I'm not pointing fingers at anyone in particular. I obviously have no experience when it comes to marriage, and quite honestly I've had very little interaction with women. All I have are observations, so I'm open to all corrections and feedback.

Perhaps I observe more than I should, but it's impossible to miss what you see at work, church, a restaurant, or even in the aisle of a supermarket. Sometimes the most powerful statements about a relationship are made in the shortest of moments--the smallest of details--the ones in which we think no-one sees.

The negatives

Everyone agrees that a healthy marriage requires love, commitment, discipline, selflessness, and constant communication--none of which are easy, and certainly requires a lot of work! However, other than the anticipation of the wedding and the honeymoon, are there any benefits of this commitment and hard work? It seems after that (at least according to the media and even a number of people I've talked to) it's all downhill from there.

Too much negativity: It's no surprise that the media is rife with comic strips such as The Lockhorns or Andy Capp constantly depicting negative aspects of marriage--after all, it's a given that Satan is more than happy to attack what God ordained, and meant for good. Granted, they wouldn't have an audience if there were no element of truth to them, but all the more reason to wonder where the positive side of marriage is ever shared or celebrated?

Not enough sharing: Providing it wasn't too personal, when was the last time a married friend shared what they appreciated about being married? Perhaps a thought or aspect of it? It seems strangely natural--almost expected--to hear complaints or jokes about marriage or spouses, and yet almost unthinkable to hear positive aspects or thoughts being shared. Does sharing something positive almost sound ludicrous or impossible?

Some examples...

Common complaints about "honeydo" lists, generalizations about the other gender, such as being "too emotional" or why you don't want to talk right away when you get home.

Someone I knew was asked to share a few thoughts at an engagement celebration for his friend and their fiance. Toward the end of his speech, his words were essentially "don't try to understand your wife--you won't be able to" which not only belittled his friend's fiance, but his own wife, and every woman present at the celebration.

The practical translation of this is selfishness, lack of respect and love, and is evidenced by: little or no physical contact, minimal eye contact, demeaning comments (especially in front of others), and no motivation to understand or resolve problems.

The challenge from God's Word

Why do men and women sometimes seem to annoy each other? Why is there often a cynical attitude towards the way God made them--the things that make them unique--and that they cannot change? It's healthy to be able to laugh at ourselves and admit our differences--after all, they are real--but great care must be taken in what the underlying attitude is in all of it. The old saying, "often the truth is spoken in jest" can be very convicting. There's a fine line in humor; it's okay to laugh, but not at the expense of others. Never should a genuine concern or question be dismissed from either side. I've always been encouraged when seeing a desire to understand and accept each other in the way God made us. I'm sure it's not easy to do, but setting aside pride, and being honest about ourselves and our attitudes will go a long way in minimizing potential bumps and needless arguments. I believe men and women can understand each other, even when the bottom line comes down to hormones (in one way or another, every one of us are affected by them). However, it undoubtedly takes genuine effort and motivation to ask those questions.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB): "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Colossians 3:18-19 (NIV): "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV): "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

1 Peter 3:1-7 (NIV): "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

In His Word, God presents both the needs and concerns of marriage, but also the wonder and beauty of what He deems holy. Parts of Colossians, Ephesians, and Corinthians for example, deal with loving your spouse for who they are, while the Song of Solomon vividly describes the beauty of intimacy and passion. Throughout scripture, it's clear that God intended marriage to be something very beautiful and honorable--not cheap, or second-rate as the world relentlessly depicts.

The positives

What are the positives? While human nature dictates there will always be a "grass is greener on the other side of the fence", here are at least two big benefits:

Intimacy: being vulnerable, yet safe; complete openness, a journey of knowing and bonding with someone to the full
Family: joy/challenges of children, living the example of Christ and His church

I know it's very easy for me to see marriage through rose-colored glasses, but if you really think about it, I often wonder if that isn't how God wants us to see it, even if it is easier said than done. We need to be realistic, but without a positive goal in mind, what is there to strive for?

Benjamin Franklin once said:

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

Marriage is a good and honorable thing. There are plenty of scripture verses that talk about this, but here are just a few:

Hebrews 13:4 (NIV): "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

Proverbs 18:22 (NASB): "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord."

Deuteronomy 24:5 (NIV): "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."

Proverbs 19:14 (NIV): "Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord."

Proverbs 31:28-31 (NIV): "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Some examples...

I've appreciated the example of spouses who don't make fun of their wives either in public or at home:

Denis & Judy Fogo: a couple who had a friendly pillow fight together--I'd never seen a married couple do that before--and they weren't newlyweds, either. They had fun!

Time of sharing: before one of my fellow coworkers (who was 45 years old) was married, the men where I work held a very different bachelors party for him: an evening of encouragement and sharing. It was a great example to me of husbands sharing both the joys and difficulties of marriage, and the ways in which they were motivated to resolve them, and throughout it all to love, respect, and appreciate their spouses.

Two coworkers: two engineers I knew for a number of years--Mike Axman and Steve Wilson--never said anything negative about their wives in front of me. There was/has always been a very solid, mutual respect between them and their wives.

Bruce & Carol Britten: a couple who continually lived God's Word in front of me, and who expressed their appreciation for each other in front of others. Bruce frequently shared in his prayer letters the ways in which his wife was thoughtful of him by always having a meal ready even on days when he got home late from work, and how she never complained or was negative about it.

Mike & Tracy Yoder: a couple who led Nappanee Missionary Church's "242" Small Church (so named for Acts 2:42) for several years. Mike complimented Tracy in class several times--a good example of building each other up (especially in front of others--not in a prideful way, but a thankful, sincere manner) that makes all the difference.

The Dick van Dyke Show: Rob & Laura Petrie worked through problems and misunderstanding, and sought to understand one other without belittling each other. Even within the show, there is a dramatic contrast between Rob & Laura's relationship, and the relationship between Buddy Sorrell (Rob's coworker), and his wife "Pickles". Most of the episodes were written by Carl Reimer, who based the relationship of Rob & Laura on his own marriage--pretty rare for a secular comedy show in the 60s.

The practical translation of this comes in the form of love, sensitivity, forgiveness, respect, understanding, patience, honor, and is evidenced by: playfulness, frequent eye contact and smiles, physical contact such as hugging/kissing (and more), an enduring thoughtfulness, admiration, and motivation to resolve problems quickly.

Encouragement

I've been challenged by those who have displayed trust and patience for their mates, and who seek to understand motives and feelings instead of simply brushing them off. Married couples have the opportunity to demonstrate Christ and encourage those watching them more than they may think in how they talk to, with, and about their spouse.

I'm a firm believer in Genesis 2:18. In spite of not having found a wife, I always appreciate being able to learn as much as I can from others' experience and godly advice. From the single view, I want to say "thank you!" to those couples whose examples and testimonies demonstrate biblical love for each other in very real, and practical ways. I want to encourage you to strive to love and understand your spouse, and seek to have fun together. Always.