Ryan Weaver
Public
A Single View of Marriage |
Biblical Sexuality |
'Christian' Books |
Missionary Kids
Pet Peeves |
Respecting Women |
Single Notes |
"Wild at Heart"?
| Single Notes |
"The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing there's someone in this crazy world for me." -- The Carpenters, "I Need to be in Love"
Ryan Weaver |
This page is in memory of Ryan Weaver (photo at right), a godly man in his early twenties who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis in late 2002. Ryan never had the chance to experience physical intimacy, but his heart and life were a great example of what it meant to experience intimacy with God.
This is for the single person, who like Ryan, have known only too well how it feels to long for something that never comes; whose prayers have seemingly fallen by the wayside, and who struggle to hold onto hope, or perhaps have given it up. This is not intended as a pity-party or gripe session, but simply an honest glimpse of the heart. Those who are widowed, divorced, or separated may also identify with what is expressed here.
How does it feel to be single? Imagine yourself stranded on a small buoy floating about a mile from a tropical island with no way of getting to shore. As boats and ships filled with people sail by on their way to the island, all you can do is sit and watch. As the years go by, your buoy drifts, taking you further and further from view.
You begin to question yourself: your attractiveness, your worth and value as a person, and you become your own worst critic. Even well-intentioned compliments from others seem to have little effect in encouraging you. The oft-quoted phrase to the effect of: "don't worry; you'll meet that special person" becomes increasingly hollow with every year that slips by.
The longer you're single, the more you struggle with feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and frustration at not finding a mate. You spend your life observing, wishing, and hoping, but never knowing the indescribable release and joy of finally meeting that one person who can be the answer to the deep loneliness you feel inside.
Undoubtedly, the hardest part of being single is the lack of intimacy and expression--just being able to pour out your heart, thoughts, feelings, longings and frustrations to someone who understands, and who you know won't criticize or judge you. Someone who accepts and loves you for who you are--who wants, needs, and desires you...just holding someone tight in your arms, and being held by them. Watching other couples holding hands, laughing, hugging, and kissing are things you've been waiting on, dreaming of, and longing for.
As much as marriage is certainly not all roses and has its own challenges, it is the only place designed by God to meet the very specific needs you have as a human being. To feel as though you are shut out from that--from ever knowing and experiencing something so beautiful, fulfilling, and satisfying, something you were created for--is a frightening place to be.
There is a very real and evident peer pressure that remains after the teen years; this time not something generated by others around you, but rather from within yourself: the overwhelming longing and need to find a mate. If, in the spiritual sense, a married Christian's thought life is difficult, then it's even more troubling for someone who's single. I think I speak for most, if not all, singles when I say that not a day goes by when you don't wrestle with being single--asking yourself and God "Why?". You are constantly surrounded by reminders; stores, restaurants, churches, and your workplace are all visual taunts of this when you see couples together.
Perhaps the biggest hurdle is meeting other singles; after all, a relationship can never start without that initial connection. Simply seeing someone you're attracted to does not provide the chance to get to know them. Having plenty of time and opportunity to interact with others is key to learning and knowing what personalities and attributes you value most. Simply put, the more interaction you have, the more likely you are to find and get to know someone. In different ways, and among the myriad of different personalities and physical attributes, each of us are drawn to a specific combination that we find appealing or attractive, and because of this, the likelihood of meeting someone that we could see ourself with someday is small. In addition, most people marry in their early to mid-twenties, so by the time you're in your thirties or forties, the chances of meeting another single are very small indeed. Reducing those odds and increasing the chances are critical; but at the same time, marriage is a lifelong committment, and rushing into it with someone you're not completely sure about can be a dangerous thing. As the saying goes, "don't marry the person you can live with; marry the person you can't live without." The meshing of these two concerns is a challenging and often frustrating task.
The intentions of matchmakers are valiant--they are some of the few people who sense deep down that you're struggling as a single, and they genuinely want to help in any way they can. Unfortunately, putting two people together is an awkward and often unsuccessful endeavor, sometimes resulting in a worsening of fears and lowered self-confidence when it doesn't work out. Matchmakers are understandably eager to connect two single people together, but many people seem uncomfortable being 'matchmade'; agreeing only to meet in an effort to please the matchmaker.
Is there a difference between being selective and picky? The only way I know to answer that is by saying that when deciding on a mate, selectiveness bears biblical truth and guidelines in mind, whereas pickiness refers solely to personal preference.
As strange as it sounds, no Adult Bible Fellowship for singles that I've been in has ever really ministered to the fact that you're single; in other words, no attempt was ever made purporting discussion or expression of the frustrations and challenges of being single. Instead of actually talking about and addressing the issues and frustrations of singleness (or even just listening while singles share how or what they feel), leadership commonly operates as though everyone were settled and comfortable with it. What's needed are people who are willing to listen, and if possible, address them with honest, real-world answers grounded in Scripture; not reiterating theory or skirting the topic.
In addition, I dare say that the church/Christian community at large could do more to bring singles together; perhaps hosting local missions trips, ministry opportunities, or a dinner where singles can get to know others outside of their own church walls. A godly lady I knew made the comment that:
"I wish, in an ideal world, there would be a gathering for area singles that love the Lord and are so busy serving Him that they don't have time to meet each other."
I suspect many singles tend to be reclusive simply because they feel conspicuous and shut off; like they don't really belong or fit anywhere.
Since there is rarely (if ever) a safe place for expression of thoughts and feelings in regards to being single, it's easy to believe that most singles harbor a lot of hurt and frustration within them. You will probably never know just how much they are affected, as a smile on a Sunday morning hides an awful lot. For most singles, I venture to say that deep down, surviving each week is what keeps them alive emotionally and mentally.
I'm convinced that one of the best ways to survive is to--when things really discourage you--think of what you do have and be thankful. Like Ryan, there are so many people who have been through (and continue to go through) things that make even our biggest struggles very insignificant--people who have never had even a fraction of what we've enjoyed and often taken for granted. The fact that we are alive, have food to eat, and a comfortable place to sleep are more than what most will ever have. For many, add to that our families, health, and jobs. The song Count Your Blessings is just as true and practical as it was when it was written.