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| Respecting Women |
"Politeness costs nothing, and gains everything." -- Lady Mary Montague
It's incredibly disheartening to both read and hear about disrespect and abuse to girls and women on any level: locally or internationally, whether physical, emotional, sexual--or any combination thereof. From tactless and demeaning comments to slavery and mutilation.
All over the world, millions of girls and women suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and pain. Many girls suffer terrible things growing up at the hands of their own family members or relatives, and some women feel trapped and put up with abusive husbands in the confines of their own home. The depth of pain, fear, and hopelessness they must feel is unimaginable. The vast majority of abuse is caused by men or societies in which girls and women are almost treated like animals, and yet while it's a generalization to say that all men are perverse or degenerate, the fear and suspicion of that potential remains, and the evidences of it naturally take many forms. In this light, I struggle with even the association and stigma in being a man, and all the negatives that are part of it.
So what can I do about it? While I cannot fix the world, I can ensure that I respond with respect and sensitivity to women by listening, encouraging, and complimenting them every chance I get. It is my hope that something in these pages encourages others to do the same. Respect should always be mutual, but all too often it seems women are not esteemed or treated with the tact and kindness they deserve. I have found this to be true not only in the more obvious places such as secular high schools, but even in the Christian workplace, which is all the more disturbing.
Simply put, think before you speak, and ask yourself how she might feel before you say it. Guard her privacy--don't share anything about her that might embarrass or hurt her. Like the old addage states, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, but look first for things you can genuinely compliment her on, being careful they're said and received in context. The more thoughtful and sincere your words, the easier this will be.
When it comes to manners, open the door for her, or hold it open a few seconds longer if a lady is right behind you. Let her go first or pass in front of you. Ask her if she would like a refill if her glass is empty. Set or clear the table, and always pay for her meal. Ask her what she likes and dislikes. Chivalry is evidenced by thoughtfulness in action, such as those who pick up and drop off their wives or girlfriends in front of buildings when it's cold or raining.
Has it ever bothered you to see someone being ridiculed or made fun of because of their gender? Or perhaps when just "joking" a husband has made fun of his wife? Disparaging jokes or snide comments can quickly hurt and even destroy a loving relationship, and sets a bad example that others may follow. The saying "often the truth is spoken in jest" is very evident through body language and tone of voice. While men are sometimes the brunt of this, on too many occasions I have witnessed women being unjustifiably ridiculed for something that is a part of who they are as women. All too often men are quick to judge without first making (or at least wanting to make) an effort to understand how they think and feel. The different attributes and characteristics in women should never be used as rationale for tactless and demeaning comments from men.
"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." -- Benjamin Franklin
It's a little-known fact that men interrupt women more often in conversation, and not the other way round as some might think. For many people (myself included), listening is a difficult skill to acquire, but it's possible when the right motivation is there--after all, we appreciate talking with someone who listens to what we're saying. I have a long way to go, as it's all too easy to interject my comments and questions, or second-guess what she wants to say.
If you're not sure what she may be thinking, or what her motives might be, ask--being sure that your tone of voice and response to her are not out of anger or frustration, but sincere and genuinely wanting to understand. I'm convinced that there is a reason for everything--whether influenced by personality or driven by hormones (which we are all susceptible to). Knowing the reason for an attitude, action, or feeling is a big step in understanding, and I believe can resolve many conflicts. We don't always need to see things the same way, as long as we understand why we see them the way we do.
Some argue that women are weak because they express their emotions--which I do not agree with. Not only is this opinion rude, but women's expression of emotion is both natural and beneficial. Medically, repression of emotion and feelings over time can cause both psychological and physical damage. In addition, men who think they are "strong" by not showing emotion are in fact demonstrating pride and engrained fear of being shamed by others for not living up to perceived expectations of them. Granted, it's much easier said than done, but in the long run, bottling up emotions which are real, and deep, does nothing but cause pain.
"If God made anything more beautiful than a woman, He kept it for Himself." -- Jerry Lewis
Since I was a boy, I have admired girls and women a great deal. I believe God made women to have, and be, everything a man lacks and longs for--emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. They are to be deeply appreciated, envied, and lauded; not debased, cheapened, or ridiculed. Solomon described the intricate beauty he saw in the woman he loved:
Song of Solomon 7:1-9 (NKJV) "How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince's daughter! The curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skillful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple; a king is held captive by your tresses. How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, "I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches." Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and the roof of your mouth like the best wine."
Admiration stems from a myriad of elements: personality and physical appearance/attributes being the ones that quickly come to mind. From head to toe, there is a vast wonder and beauty about women, and I believe that man is a caretaker of something much better and greater than himself. Emotionally, women express their feelings and are often in touch with themselves and others. Mentally, they have many skills and abilities that parallel and often exceed men. Physically, they possess a very powerful sensuality and aesthetic beauty. Sexually, their differences are nothing short of breathtaking. God has truly blessed women in the way they are made--every part of them is unique and desirable in its own way. In her book For Women Only (p. 100), Shaunti Feldhahn notes one man's words that echo this:
"She doesn't understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can't resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe."
While we need to be careful not to elevate women, we can admire and appreciate the incredibly beautiful way in which God has made them.
Frankly, for men, this is not easy to do, as physically attractive women are often overpowering, and sadly, those not as attractive physically we tend to overlook; but it is possible, and should always be our intent. Giving equal attention to all women is not a natural or easy goal, as we are drawn to visually pleasing things, but it should be what we strive for regardless. The true value of a lady is who she is inside; not how physically attractive we find her to be (the following verses leaving little room for debate):
Proverbs 11:22 (NIV) "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."
Proverbs 31:30 (NIV) "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
It goes without saying that these verses apply to men, too, as they address attitudes of the heart. The truth is that most women endowed with physical beauty do not appreciate being scrutinized or stared at, and less attractive women may be grateful that you are paying them equal time and attention. Regardless of perceived physical beauty, women should never be ignored or treated as a sex object. In this regard, a lady once shared with me that:
"A smile and good, solid eye-contact tells a woman all that and more. Work on flirting with your eyes. Look into their soul; not their blouse. That is the ultimate compliment."
The following poem "The Beauty of a Woman" puts it another way:
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, The passion that she shows, And the beauty of a woman With passing years Only grows.
(Authorship is variously attributed to the following: Maya Angelou, Ralph Fenger, Audrey Hepburn and Sam Levenson).
Without question, attitude and personality are what ultimately "make or break" a person. While I highly esteem women, I want to be careful to recognize that like any of us, they are only human. Perhaps the greatest demonstration of respect is through enduring forgiveness and patience with them in the midst of mistakes, and the honesty and integrity to admit when we're wrong in return.