Thoughts: Respecting Women

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Respecting Women

"Politeness costs nothing, and gains everything." — Lady Mary Montague

Sobering times

It's incredibly disheartening to both read and hear about disrespect and abuse to girls and women on any level: locally or internationally, whether physical, emotional, sexual—or any combination thereof. From tactless and demeaning comments to sexual trafficking and genital mutilation.

All over the world, millions of girls and women suffer a tremendous amount of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and pain. Many girls suffer terrible things growing up at the hands of their own family members or relatives, and some women feel trapped and put up with abusive husbands in the confines of their own home. The depth of pain, fear, and hopelessness they must feel is unimaginable. The vast majority of abuse is caused by men or societies in which girls and women are almost treated like animals, and yet while it's a generalization to say that all men are perverse or degenerate, the fear and suspicion of that potential remains, and the evidences of it naturally take many forms. In this light, I struggle with even the association and stigma in being a man, and all the negatives that are part of it.

So what can I do about it? While I cannot fix the world, I can ensure that I respond with respect and sensitivity to women by listening, encouraging, and complimenting them every chance I get. It is my hope that something in these pages encourages others to do the same. Respect should always be mutual, but all too often it seems women are not esteemed or treated with the tact and kindness they deserve. I have found this to be true not only in the more obvious places such as secular high schools, but sometimes even in the Christian workplace, which is all the more disturbing.

Tact and honor

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." — Benjamin Franklin

Simply put, think before you speak, and ask yourself how she might feel before you say it. Guard her privacy—don't share anything about her that might embarrass or hurt her. Like the old adage states, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", but look first for things you can genuinely compliment her on, being careful they're said and received in context. The more thoughtful and sincere your words, the easier this will be.

Has it ever bothered you to see someone being ridiculed or made fun of because of their gender? Or perhaps when just "joking" a husband has made fun of his wife? Disparaging jokes or snide comments can quickly hurt and even destroy a loving relationship, and sets a bad example that others may follow. The saying "often the truth is spoken in jest" is very evident through body language and tone of voice. While men are sometimes the brunt of this, on too many occasions I have witnessed women being unjustifiably ridiculed for something that is a part of who they are as women. Even in countries such as Egypt, it is common practice for men to make "cat calls" or "wolf whistles" at women. All too often men are quick to judge without first making (or at least wanting to make) an effort to understand how they think and feel. The different attributes and characteristics in women should never be used as rationale for tactless and demeaning attitudes and comments from men.

Manners

When it comes to manners, open the door for her, or hold it open a few seconds longer if she is right behind you. Let her go first or pass in front of you. If her glass is empty, ask her if she would like a refill. Set or clear the table, and always pay for her meal. Ask her what she likes and dislikes. Chivalry is evidenced by thoughtfulness in action, such as those who pick up and drop off their wives or girlfriends near building entries/exits when it's cold or raining.

Listen

It's a little-known fact that men interrupt women more often in conversation, and not the other way round as some might think. For many people (myself included), listening is a difficult skill to acquire, but it's possible when the right motivation is there—after all, we always appreciate talking with someone who listens to what we're saying. I have a long way to go, as it's all too easy to interject my comments and questions, or second-guess what she wants to say.

Understand

If you're not sure what she may be thinking, or what her motives might be, ask—being sure that your tone of voice and response to her are not out of anger or frustration, but sincerity and genuinely wanting to understand. I'm convinced that there is a reason for everything—whether influenced by personality or driven by hormones (which in some form, we are all susceptible to). Knowing the reason for an attitude, action, or feeling is a big step in understanding, and I believe can resolve many conflicts. We don't always need to see things the same way, as long as we understand why we see them the way we do.

Some argue that women are weak because they express their emotions—which I do not agree with. Not only is this opinion rude, but womens' expression of emotion is both natural and beneficial. Medically, repression of emotion and feelings over time can cause both psychological and physical damage. In addition, men who think they are "strong" by not showing emotion are in fact demonstrating pride and engrained fear of being shamed by others for not living up to perceived expectations of them. Granted, it's much easier said than done, but in the long run, bottling up emotions which are real, and deep, does nothing but cause pain.

As one woman shared, understanding can often be challenging, but your persistent patience may be just what's needed:

"When you see something you love in a lady, don't let anyone rain on your parade. Just know that sometimes the woman you see is trapped behind many layers of conditioning, and the only way to bring her out is by loving who she is and who she really wants to be (not the person she thinks she has to be). Odds are, you'll probably be the first person in her life to really do that."

Admire and acknowledge

"If God made anything more beautiful than a woman, He kept it for Himself." — Jerry Lewis

Since I was a boy, I have admired girls and women a great deal. I believe God made women to have, and be, everything a man lacks and longs for—emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. They are to be deeply appreciated, envied, and lauded; not debased, cheapened, or ridiculed. Solomon described the intricate beauty he saw in the woman he loved:

Song of Solomon 7:1-9 (NKJV) "How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince's daughter! The curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skillful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple; a king is held captive by your tresses. How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, "I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches." Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and the roof of your mouth like the best wine."

Admiration stems from a myriad of elements: mannerisms, voice, movement, and attitudes, as well as visual/physical attributes. From head to toe, there is a vast wonder and beauty about women, and I believe that man is a caretaker of something much better and greater than himself. Emotionally, women express their feelings and are often in touch with themselves and others. Mentally, they have many skills and abilities that parallel and often exceed men. Physically, they possess a very powerful sensuality and aesthetic beauty. Sexually, their differences are nothing short of breathtaking. God has truly blessed women in the way they are made—every part of them is unique and desirable in its own way. In her book For Women Only (p. 100), Shaunti Feldhahn notes one man's words that echo this:

"She doesn't understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can't resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe."

While we should be careful not to elevate women, we need to admire and acknowledge the incredibly beautiful way in which God has made them. In addition, we need to be careful that we don't ignore them. One woman shares about this:

"...I, too, see it as a cop out. I believe Christian men have been led to believe the lie that they will always struggle with lusting after women. It's taught when they are teens, and supported through adulthood. This lie leads them to treat half the Christian population like they are invisible (bouncing the eyes) and keeps them from reaching out to women who aren't believers because they may be dressed skimpily.

Yes, men can and do have lust problems, but they don't have to be slaves to lust! Jesus came to set us free—how do we display that freedom with the current ways we teach men? Seems to me they become even more enslaved to the program of keeping themselves 'pure', while beautiful sisters in Christ are not looked at, not talked to, etc. because these teens/men are encouraged to 'bounce their eyes'.

Yes, it's a sore spot for me as a beautiful woman who is friends with beautiful women who have all felt weird by men who won't look at us when we say hi!"

Compliment

Women are constantly bombarded by negative, exploitive messages and unrealistic expectations in the media and world in which we live that exacerbate insecurities about themselves. They need to be reassured and reminded that they are beautiful—beauty is not perfection. Here are some examples from operationbeautiful.com:

"Although I am a very thin girl, I too get really insecure about my weight, and often compare myself to girls with fuller figures. I cringe at the term 'real women have curves' because I look at myself and see none, and often question the fact of whether I am indeed a 'real woman'. I cry when I'm told I'm not a real woman."

"I just wanted to let you know how your site has helped me. I am 17 years old, live in Canada, and was diagnosed with Bulimia when I was 14. I began my first diet when I was 8. I have spent my entire life working to be "perfect" and thin. It has ruined my life. My teeth have almost no enamel on them left, my heart rate and blood pressure goes from too high to too low weekly. I get ECGs and blood tests at least once a month. I have spent my last two summers in hospitals and have missed part of my 10th, 11th, and 12th grade years due to being hospitalized. I can't stand up for very long without my vision going black and getting dizzy. My hair fell out a few years back. My fingernails turn blue and I'm always cold. I can't go out with my friends anymore—I get too tired. I have wasted so much time and truly put my health at risk and I still can't stop. The reason I'm writing you is because on Friday, I was at my weekly hospital checkup, and one of my therapists made me eat a 500 calorie meal, which I haven't done in ages, to "de-sensitize" me. I was on my way to the bathroom to throw it up after my appointment. I had just locked the stall when I saw a sticky note on the back of the door. It said, "You're beautiful. You're good enough. www.operationbeautiful.com." No one has ever said that to me. I didn't throw up that day. It was the first time I ate something solid and did not throw it up in years. I plan on plastering the Eating Disorder Treatment floor with Operation Beautiful sticky notes. :) Thank you, Vit"

"I'm a college student at Olivet Nazarene University. I placed [operationbeautiful.com] post-its all over the apartment building that I live in! It was so neat because a group of girls walked in and read them as I was on my way to my room, and they were talking about how much they needed to hear that in today's world."

"The other day I was in math class talking to a friend of mine, Allison. She has been so insecure about her weight and size. We were having a conversation about things we hate about ourselves. Out of nowhere, Operation Beautiful popped up in my mind. I blurted out, "Wow, you look beautiful! Don't change a thing—you're totally gorgeous." Her eyes started to well up with tears, and she smiled the biggest smile I have seen in a long time. I know I made her day. Which made my day too!"

"Ever since I was little, I was always the "ugly duckling." I felt like I wasn't good enough, and I tried to make myself prettier by losing weight. Enter: Anorexia. It's taken me almost three years to recover, and once I reached a healthy weight, I thought I could be happy again. I took up running and fell in love—I was strong and healthy. But, I started to have heart problems, and today my cross-country coach told me he won't let me run a race for another week. I broke down. My friends supported me, but I still could not stop crying. When I came home, I stumbled upon your blog and saw the pictures of the Operation Beautiful notes. I cried again, but this time it was tears of joy. I don't remember the last time someone told me I was beautiful—even though I don't know any of you personally, you made me feel good about myself for the first time in a long time."

As these examples illustrate, negative messages can be countered by simple reminders of the truth: beauty takes many forms, and does not mean perfection. A compliment is nothing more than an observation or reminder of that truth. When complimenting, keep these things in mind:

Smile, maintain eye contact, and be sincere: don't say it if you don't mean it; she'll know if you're telling the truth.

Stay in context: don't take her by surprise; let her know your intent by cuing what you're about to say—a simple "if you don't mind me saying so..." goes a long way.

Be specific: leave no lingering questions in her mind as to what you're complimenting her on.

Keep it short and sweet: the longer it takes to compliment, the more awkward it becomes.

Body language: your tone of voice and posture count—if feasible, show genuine interest by mirroring her body language.

Avoid awkwardness: don't stop and expect a reply; avoid what may be an awkward moment for her—a more indirect compliment can also be easier to accept.

Show gratitude

Be sure to always say "thank you" or "thanks" whenever a lady does something for you, and if at all possible, return the favor. Genuine gratitude is always appreciated, and goes a long way.

Focus on the person; not the physical

Physical beauty and attractiveness are subjective, and appeal differs for everyone—men and women alike. For men, staying focused on the person is not easy to do, as visually attractive women will always catch our eye, and are often overpowering. Those not as physically attractive we tend to overlook or ignore; but giving equal attention to all women is possible, and should always be what we strive for. The true value of a lady is who she is inside—not how physically attractive we find her to be (the following verses leaving little room for debate):

Proverbs 11:22 (NIV) "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."

Proverbs 31:30 (NIV) "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

It goes without saying that these verses apply to men, too, as they address attitudes of the heart. The truth is that most women endowed with physical beauty do not appreciate being scrutinized or stared at, and less attractive women may be grateful that you are paying them equal time and attention. Regardless of perceived physical beauty, women should never be ignored or treated as a sex object. In this regard, a lady once shared with me that:

"A smile and good, solid eye-contact tells a woman all that and more. Work on flirting with your eyes. Look into their soul; not their blouse. That is the ultimate compliment."

The poem The Beauty of a Woman describes it another way:

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from within her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, The passion that she shows, And the beauty of a woman With passing years Only grows.

(Authorship is variously attributed to the following: Maya Angelou, Ralph Fenger, Audrey Hepburn, and Sam Levenson).

No one's perfect

Without question, attitude and personality are what ultimately "make or break" a person. While I highly esteem women, I want to be careful to recognize that like any of us, they are only human. Perhaps the greatest demonstration of respect is through enduring forgiveness and patience with them in the midst of mistakes, and the honesty and integrity to admit when we're wrong in return.

Related links: operationbeautiful.com

Comments or criticism?