A Single View of Marriage |
Biblical Sexuality |
'Christian' Books |
Missionary Kids
Pet Peeves |
Pornography and Lust |
Respecting Women |
Single Notes |
Snippets |
"Wild at Heart"?
| Biblical Sexuality |
"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs, and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." — Don Schrader
Coming to terms with it |
Designed by God |
The process of learning |
What's so beautiful about it?
Why is it so important? |
Waiting for intimacy |
Challenges to intimacy |
Balance lost
Avoiding the problem |
Comfort and silence |
Separating beauty and sexuality |
Myth busting
Positive reinforcement |
Related links and files
"My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar—I went steady with a woodpecker till I was 21." — Bob Hope
The first question you might ask is, "why on earth—especially as a single man—are you publicly talking about this?" The answer is simple: like a growing number of Christians I know, I am concerned about the relentless attacks on biblical sexuality and (for the most part) the church's silence and reluctance to confront them and stand for the truth. Sometimes I feel like giving up the fight for biblical sexuality (and hope for sex altogether), because in the face of constant attack both from outside and inside the church, it can seem like a losing battle. But regardless of who, and how many reject the truth, it is always worth fighting for. In addition, many Christians are unaware of just how prevalent sexual sin is in the church itself. So it is my prayer that what is shared here will stir others to search the Bible for themselves for what God says about sexuality as He created and intended for it to be, to see our need for repentance where we have sinned; and to encourage and challenge whenever needed.
The Bible is clear that sexual relationships outside of a one-man, one-woman marriage is sin. Why? Not just because God said it's sin, but because it has very real physical, emotional, and mental consequences that often affect more than the people involved. Within this context, the greatest challenge is trying to separate fact from opinion or tradition, while holding to—and applying—biblical truth and commands at all times. So what does biblical sexuality actually look like? We know it's acceptable, because after all, even Christians must have sex to have children. Yet there is a growing slew of beliefs and messages about sexuality that we have been bombarded with since we were old enough to grasp even the basics of it, and as a Christian, I continue to wrestle with the right perspective and understanding of the "details" and tough truths that are so frequently kept under wraps.
For those who grew up in a conservative environment, the subject of sexuality was likely never discussed or even mentioned, and if it was, it was probably considered something shameful and necessary only for the sake of having children. For those in a secular environment, it may have been openly discussed and shared, and perhaps even engaged in, but the experiences may well have resulted in emotional, mental, and physical scars (additional link).
Trying to separate fact from fiction and opinion is an extensive and difficult process, and finding objective sources of information about sexuality is equally challenging. Thankfully, the Internet has made it easier, but great care must be taken to discern what we read.
In His Word, God is not bashful about sexuality; after all, He created it. Shouldn't our response be the same? Some theologians tell us that the Song of Solomon was only written to portray the relationship of Christ and His church. Yet why did God choose to use what is arguably very sensual imagery to do that if sexuality is something to be shunned or is simply inappropriate? God makes no apology for His Word, and yet we seem to treat this part of Scripture (as well as select others) as though it were NC-17 material. Childhood context/understanding aside, sexuality is relevant to everyone—married or single. To some extent, we all think about and deal with it on at least a personal level.
Although it's only logical to assume that Adam and Eve were sexually endowed and prepared for it, it's interesting that sexuality didn't seem to exist until after they sinned. Scripture doesn't spell it out, but it seems to imply that Adam and Eve never made love until after they were banished from the garden (no mention or even hint of any sexual relationship between them). This is the first recorded act of sexuality in the Bible:
Genesis 4:1 (NIV 1984) "Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man.""
Though He punished the world through a curse because of their sin, God never downplays the beauty of His creation even after sin entered the world, nor does (or would) He ever condemn sexuality in and of itself—just the misuse of it. However, there seems to be a very deeply entrenched belief and view that both sexuality and our bodies are something inherently dirty and sinful. Yet God never intended nakedness to be shameful, and legal requirements aside, we should neither flaunt nor be ashamed of how God has made us:
Genesis 2:25 (NIV 1984) "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
The only guilt and shame we should ever feel is that of disobedience against God. The right perspective is the one that God has of us, and wants for us. It was only when sin entered the world that nakedness became seen as shameful, and not by God; by Adam and Eve:
Genesis 3:6-7 (NIV 1984) "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."
God was neither embarrassed by their nakedness, nor did He condemn it. Their nakedness was not the instigator of their shame—their sin was. God did, however, condemn and punish their disobedience which, as a consequence, made them aware of their nakedness (Genesis 3:14-19) and subsequent shame. Granted, because of sin we need to dress modestly, but again, our bodies are not something to be ashamed of. It's interesting to note that God never condemned their nakedness after they sinned, but He did make clothing for them—the only hint or assumption that public nakedness was no longer an option.
The author of biblicalsexuality.com makes an excellent point in that Adam & Eve were naked when God declared all that He had made "very good" (Genesis 1:31). He goes on to say that:
"...remember, that to believe God created man in a shameful and lacking state which needed to be obscured and covered, or to believe man fell into that lowly state by disobedience is quite different."
How we feel about our bodies can affect how we feel about ourselves as a person, and it will definitely affect our relationship with a spouse. By using the physical body as an example, Paul illustrated the need for unity in the spiritual body of believers in the following passage—the bottom line being that no part of our body (whether physical or spiritual) should be looked down on or treated as dirty or contemptible:
1 Corinthians 12:22-25 (NIV 1984) "On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other."
"Instead of asking how to protect their innocence, we should be asking how to protect the sacredness of sex in their lives." — Jessica Harris
It should come as no surprise that even for the world at large (let alone the Christian) sexuality is an incredibly complex thing. A quick glance at any magazine addressing sexual matters reveals a lot of confusion and frustration from both men and women searching for honest answers and solutions to their questions. So where do we get our information from? In this regard, sexuality is undoubtedly one of Christianity's biggest 'black holes.'
Growing up, boys and girls naturally have questions about their own anatomy and sexuality, as well as that of the opposite sex. The response of parents to these questions can either be helpful or detrimental to one's view of sexuality—especially considering that once we reach a certain age, our inquisitiveness often becomes a liability. If this happens, the learning process may suffer, resulting in potential confusion, fear, or misunderstandings that can affect relationships and intimacy.
Seeing as it's reserved for marriage, most of us have obviously never had the opportunity to investigate the anatomy of the opposite sex up close, and even in a long-term relationship where spouses are comfortable with each other doesn't guarantee knowledge or understanding. Entering into marriage without sexual experience is not an issue (in fact, it's a biblical command); but entering without intellectual knowledge and a willingness to learn will prove to be. Many men and women enter into marriage unable to identify the various anatomical parts of the opposite sex—and even more surprisingly—many cannot identify their own, either. Not a good starting point for a sexually fulfilling marriage. Sadly, it's assumed that by the time they are married, men and women somehow already know and understand their own sexuality and that of their spouse, and if not, a quick "brush-up" during marriage counseling will "fill in the gaps." However, the growing number of books for Christian married couples dealing with sexuality seem to indicate otherwise. Likewise, I believe many people enter into marriage with negative views of sex and little to no concept about embracing biblical sexuality. It is somehow magically expected that something will suddenly activate us, but it doesn't happen for many. I believe this is due mostly to the teaching we had about sex (i.e. though we were correctly told we are not to have sex and to stay pure, we weren't told why nor did we hear any acknowledgement of sensuality and passion being a blessing in marriage). Many Christians are taught (and/or feel) that it is ungodly to be sexually passionate—even in marriage! For women, it is not "ladylike" and for some men, it fosters a fear of being overbearing and ungentlemanly. For those who engaged in sex before marriage, the consequences of their sin can easily make trust, unconditional love, and committment even more difficult to grasp and live out.
If we're really honest, few of us are willing to admit to being ignorant on a particular matter—especially when it comes to sex—and yet how and where are we supposed to know this? Where do men really learn about the female body or women about men's bodies? Who teaches us? The truth is that no-one does; aside perhaps from some questionable sex education classes in school (which some never had, and which many are now aggressively promoting homosexuality and other immorality) or line drawings in text books which do not necessarily give an accurate glimpse of reality. Others of us have gathered misinformation from friends, fellow students, movies, or the Internet. No-one teaches us the tough facts about our bodies and how to pleasure them when we are younger, because we aren't supposed to have sex or even talk or think about it. Yet one day, we are supposed to somehow magically identify all of the different body parts, what they are called, their nuances, where they are located, what they do or don't do, and how to use them in the context of marriage—and the truth is, it's far more complex than you may think.
Resolving this problem, I believe, is crucial—learning as much as we reasonably should in preparation for marriage—without compromise. There is a great deal to learn and absorb, and the effort put forward can prevent a lot of confusion and potential problems later on. Granted, great care must be taken to ensure our sources are truthful, educational, and objective, but we spend a lot of time learning most everything else while our knowledge of sexuality is often neglected and overlooked. As an example, even medical science knows little about the female body and sexual response. On the August 22, 2003 broadcast of ABC's 20/20, an expert from an OB/GYN organization stated that we are essentially in the dark ages when it comes to female sexuality—in terms of what we know compared to other areas of medicine. She claimed on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most), our knowledge is about a 2. God gave women a unique and incredible sexuality, but it still remains shrouded in confusion and mystery.
"The beauty of sex is something we take on faith until we experience it, and that faith and hope make the waiting worth it. That is our message—a message of purity, and truth of value and purpose. That's the message our young ones need to hear, and they don't get that in sex ed." — Jessica Harris
Though all too often abused and misused, sexuality was created and intended to be very beautiful and pleasurable; not merely a means for procreation (read the Song of Solomon if you have any doubts). It constitutes powerful attributes and benefits, such as:
Scripture makes it clear that sexual fulfillment plays a critical role in marriage. Marriage counselors are witness to the fact that sex is one of the top two things that married couples fight about (the other being finances). It is certainly enough of a concern that Paul addresses it in one of his letters:
1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV 1984) "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
It's interesting to note that the reference to "lack of self-control" does not appear to be a negative one—especially considering he uses the word "deprive." Its importance is echoed in the Old Testament:
Deuteronomy 24:5 (NIV 1984) "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."
I venture to say that aside from medical or psychological issues, the depth of a married couple's sexual intimacy is an excellent indicator of their love for each other. In keeping with Scripture on this, a friend of mine (Chelsea) once shared that:
"I believe the importance of sex, in marriage, on a scale from 1 to 10 is a 10. Why? Three reasons:
...I honestly believe that a couple's sex life can say a lot about their marriage. You cannot be constantly fighting with your spouse, and making love every night. You cannot avoid communication, and make love every night. You cannot be completely selfish, and make love every night. It just doesn't work."
It's also critical enough of an issue for the single person that Paul states the following:
1 Corinthians 7:9 (NIV 1984) "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
For the single person, this is a very real issue; though no-one in the church seems willing to admit that God created men and women with passion and desire that can only effectively be met in marriage. Jessica Harris and Jennifer Vaughn discuss this:
[Jessica] "Marriage will not, does not, and cannot cure sexual sin."
[Jennifer] "But it's the only biblically-supported solution and method of prevention. And it's being ignored as such. Paul says that those who can't control their sexual desires should marry (1 Corinthians 7: 2, 9 & 36). I find it rather odd that the Christian community as a whole doesn't promote this. In fact, most outright oppose it. Instead, everyone (not just you) casts a solution in terms of self-control and surrendering to God. Well, Paul gave this advice outright assuming that we can't control ourselves.Yes, there are problem marriages, and those need to be dealt with. There, the issues might be communication with a spouse, misconceptions about women's sexuality, etc. But those don't stem from struggling with desires without a legitimate sexual outlet.
You (age 25) and I (age 30) as lifelong singles don't have husbands to meet our God-given needs. If we can surrender our passions and focus on God (1 Corinthians 7:35), then there's no problem. But if we can't control our desires, we need to marry. It's easy to say that it must not be in God's plan (1 Corinthians 7:8 & 20) because husbands haven't fallen into our laps, but note that throughout 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is talking about men and women actively deciding whether or not to marry or stay married. It's a personal choice and a deliberate action.
Again, it's not wrong for us to marry (1 Corinthians 7:25 & 28), but we're told it's better to marry than to be tempted back to our prior activities (1 Corinthians 7:9)."
"The beauty of sex is something we take on faith until we experience it, and that faith and hope makes the waiting worth it." — Jessica Harris
Love, desire, passion, sensuality, nakedness, union, yearning, fullness, fulfillment, pleasure. These aren't websearch keywords for a sleazy movie. Nor are they necessarily the hallmarks of a blissful wedding night. They are the mixture of dreams and twilight zone for men and women anxiously waiting on God; their passion and sexuality in suspended animation in the waiting room of hope. They watch as each day passes, in hope that somehow soon they will be able to experience the fullness of sexual union and expression. Sure, they could engage in "one-night stands" or "friends with benefits" (read: fornication) like so many already have—and do—but they've seen and heard the only-too-familiar pain and devastation that results from sexual sin:
1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV 1984) "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."
Passion: on hold, or denied. Sound familiar? Singles, widows, refused husbands and wives, and medical tragedies are people struggling with being caught between the ugliness of sexual immorality and the incapacitation of God-given passion.
I strongly disagree with Christians who repudiate the God-given, deep-seated need that people have for intimacy. I'm not referring solely to sex here, as without love, intimacy, and commitment, sex means nothing. I'm referring to the deep need to be touched, and feel loved, wanted, and desired by someone of the opposite sex. Nowhere in Scripture does God indicate that the need for intimacy from another human being could, or would, be met by Him. It is a specific need designed by God to be met in a specific way by a member of the opposite sex. Although Scripture never says why, it is very clear about this:
Genesis 2:18 (NIV 1984) "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.""
Genesis 2:24 (NIV 1984) "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
If you were to remove the pat answers within the church (in regards to those for whom intimacy remains unfulfilled) and ask how it feels to yearn for physical, emotional, and sexual fulfillment, you'd encounter a number of facts:
How dare I challenge Scripture? No, no heresy here. I'm not insinuating or advocating sexual sin, but rather simple acknowledgement of the struggle. Just an honest look at the tough facts that few people seem willing to admit or address. Reality is such that life without any form of intimacy becomes survival. I venture to say that even the apostle Paul likely wrestled with this issue, knowing he had the same struggles as any man:
Romans 7:18-19 (NIV 1984) "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."
What's missing without it? Companionship, touch, openness and safe vulnerability, completion, pleasure, and fulfillment—to name but a few.
I venture to say that there is a danger to the fact that (at least in the U.S.A.) men and women are marrying later in life. So instead of marriage being a place to express God-given passion and sexual desire and a safe haven to enjoy intimacy, there is greater temptation and pressure to engage in premarital sex. For those who are unable to find a spouse, being older and single increasingly becomes a place of great frustration and loneliness.
Ideally, marriage is intended to be a place to express and fulfill sexual desire; not frustrate it further. In reality, however, many married couples experience disappointing, if not non-existent, sex lives. Why? There are numerous potential reasons:
No one is guaranteed a rewarding sex life in marriage, and for many people, fulfillment will be a challenge. So while most married Christians would love to experience ongoing and truly fulfilling sexual intimacy, is it prevalent? My guess for most would be no. Why? In addition to the aforementioned problems, marriage is under attack like no other time in history, and coupled with the above list, the proliferation of books and other media—whether secular or Christian—seeking to resolve those problems indicates that biblical sexuality is rare. Christian marital counseling forums back up this truth, with numerous accounts of sexual refusal or disinterest by a spouse, or low- and high-sex drive differences driving a stake into the heart of intimacy.
The good news is that there are answers and testimonies of married couples who, by God's grace, have worked through the problems and issues, and seen restoration (or a beginning!) to their sexual intimacy. Prevention is better than cure, so complete transparency in pre-marital counseling becomes even more important. It should include the following questions, requiring honest answers to address—and Lord willing—resolve potential issues and conflicts before marriage:
Marriage is work, and it undoubtedly takes a great deal of understanding, generosity, and genuine motivation on the part of both spouses to sustain fulfillment; setting aside time and intentionally creating and maintaining an atmosphere or environment that allows for sexual feeling and expression. With God's grace, understanding, and a willingness to address these problems, there can be resolution and a new-found joy in passion and intimacy.
Satan's biggest strategy when it comes to lust is to get single people to have sex before they are married...and those same people to stop having sex once they get married.
Sexuality is like a river: flowing within its banks, it sustains life and creates beauty. Flood those banks, and it damages and destroys. Block it up or deny it, and surrounding life withers and dies. I really struggle with the lack of balance in acknowledging both the beauty of our bodies, and sexuality as God created them. On the one hand, you have the world pushing sex to the extreme with all the wrong messages and motives resulting in shattered lives and even death, and on the other, you have Christians who seem to treat sexuality (and anything connected with it) as though it were inherently ugly and shameful, resulting in repression and denial of something God meant for our good. It is as though the church in general relegates it to a dark, dusty corner of marriage—intentionally neglecting the beauty of sexuality in its biblical context.
| "Sex is Everything" | Biblical Sexuality | "Sex is Evil" |
|---|---|---|
| Leads to the virtual worship of sex and the body, pornography, lust, and immorality. Commitment and enduring love are irrelevant or optional at best; get whatever you want—with whomever you want—whenever you can get it. | Understands and respects our bodies as made in God's image, understands and embraces the truth and value of commitment, love, intimacy, selflessness, and fulfillment within a one-man, one-woman marriage. | Regards our physical bodies as inherently shameful, and denies or stifles the beauty of sex within marriage (acceptable only for reproduction), resulting in refusal of marital intimacy. |
As disheartening as it is in even Christian circles, social stigma is such that many women wrestle with the dichotomy of being classed in one of two roles: a lady who is a wife/mother, or (only for lack of a better term) a "slut." Socially, there seems to be no safe middle ground for wives to express both natural parts of themselves; enjoying sex as much (or more!) as their husband, and long for that expression. Little, if any, room is given for recognition that women have been created with the potential for every bit as much sexual need and desire as men have. As my friend Chelsea again confided:
"People are not taught, for the most part, that sexual intimacy is a powerful and sacred thing and very beautiful and wonderful when used in the right context, but instead they are told their whole lives, "Sex is bad...sex is bad...sex is bad...sex is bad..." then they get married and it's suddenly okay. I know too many girls who have felt dirty after being with their husbands on their wedding nights because of how they've been taught their whole lives. That just isn't right."
Naturally, the world is only too happy to amplify and tout these perspectives and stigmas, and Satan will do anything he can to distort and cheapen the beauty of what God has created and intended for good. I believe that somewhere between these two opposing views lies the biblical balance. In 1989, Josh McDowell had two t-shirts made for his "Why Wait?" abstinence tours: the shirt for singles had "I'm NOT doing it" written on the front, and a list of reasons why not on the back. The shirt for married couples simply stated "I'm doing it, and enjoying God's plan." To me, this was a good, albeit rare example of balance.
When it comes to attitudes and responsiveness, there are many similarities between typical sex education in the home, and biblical sexuality in the church: that of avoid whenever possible. One could almost imagine discussion of it taking the form of a contestant's challenge on Fear Factor. It seems that the best the church can muster are rare, and brief "if you really have to know, then, yes—it's okay to enjoy sex in marriage" statements, or "as long as there are books available, why mention it from the pulpit?" The truth is that minimizing it is a statement in itself—a reflection of how the church in general sees, and thinks of it, and therefore implying that God sees it in the same way. Yet nothing could be further from the truth! This only creates more doubt and questions in the minds of young people, causing them to turn to other sources for their answers—friends, TV, movies, and the Internet. Sexuality in marriage should be a lot more than just "okay." It needs to be addressed more frequently, and esteemed and prized as much as God Himself does in His Word. The media's belittling of sexuality in marriage is just as deadly as their assaults on marriage itself, and the longer the church is silent about it, the easier it is to believe that it's just not worth waiting for. That being said, it should be realistically portrayed—that it may not be sexual bliss from the honeymoon night, but that it's what God has commanded from us—for our own protection and good—and anything outside of that is sin. Period. The truth is often difficult to hear, but all the more critical as we are living in the end times.
It's hard to deny that sexuality from a biblical perspective is woefully neglected, and I dare say that most Christians are at odds with even the thought of dealing with it. Undoubtedly, one's generation and personal background play a major role in this, as does any possible abuse suffered during childhood. It's understandably a difficult subject to tackle, considering the right balance needs to be found within the context of Scripture, and rare when it's addressed within the church (in the church I attend, the last sermon on sex was July 2005). The stakes are high in terms of criticism from people within the church on both sides of the subject—thankfully God's Word is the final authority! However, contrary to Scripture, it's much easier for the church to simply take the opposite view of the world without lauding the positives—the beautiful, honorable, desirable aspects of it:
Song of Solomon 7:11-12 (NIV 1984) "Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love."
Proverbs 5:18-19 (NIV 1984) "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."
Hebrews 13:4 (NIV 1984) "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
Genesis 26:8 (NIV 1984) "When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah."
In an Adult Bible Fellowship (a.k.a. Sunday School) class at church I attended in the late 90s, the leadership asked each person in the class to submit their questions about dating and the opposite sex. The response was overwhelming, resulting in a couple of pages full of questions. However, only two of those questions were ever addressed. Such is the need today, and it will only grow in intensity as we are increasingly surrounded by non-biblical views of sexuality. Because of the proliferation of media, even young children are being exposed to deceptive views—and imagery—of sexuality at increasingly younger ages. It's time the church stepped up to the plate and dealt with it in an appropriate but effective way.
As Christians, we are masters at being comfortable, and since immorality (especially pornography, lust, and homosexuality) are challenging topics to address, we just avoid them; choosing to remain silent. However, Jessica Harris of Beggar's Daughter and Crystal Renaud of Dirty Girls Ministries are two women who know first-hand that comfort and silence are the two biggest environments in which lust and addictions to pornography flourish. Both women have shared how disheartening it was believing that they were the only women who struggled with pornography, and how seeking help was frightening and seemed impossible. Why do women struggle with pornography? As Jessica notes: "For many women, pornography satisfies the desire to be accepted, to be cherished, long before it ever satisfies a physical sexual desire."
So why is breaking the silence—especially for women—so critical? Because frankly, knowing that women aren't somehow impervious to lust is very reassuring. No, as a man I don't get some kind of twisted enjoyment out of that knowledge. It's encouraging, because it finally removes the mask and pretenses, and is being honest with—and about—yourself. That simple acknowledgement of your humanity that says "yes, I struggle with this too!" It also destroys the myths that: 1) women don't struggle with lust, and 2) women have no God-given desire for sex. Everyone knows that men struggle with visual lust and pornography, but that doesn't make living in that reality and stigma any easier. So any woman who struggles with porn knows first-hand how disheartening and intimidating silence and solitude is.
I've only witnessed it once, but it's refreshing to have guarded and general—not graphic—discussion of sexuality between Christian men and women in a small group setting. The goal being to simply share the struggles and frustrations encountered in striving for godly living while acknowledging the beautiful, positive aspects of sexuality and ways in which God has made us. Presuppositions, assumptions, and stereotypes of the opposite sex abound, and we can have the right perspectives of one another when we realize there are similar struggles and earnest desires to live and love as God intended us to. We know both men and women think about it, but we seem frightened of even hinting at what we really think and feel for fear of what others will think of us. Again, I have only seen this openness happen once (and as an observer), but it was clearly helpful to everyone, and I believe honoring to God. As it should have been, it was neither lewd nor suggestive.
As I see it, the church must:
Whether intentional or not, most Christians (especially young people) have already been exposed to things that the church remains too intimidated to acknowledge and deal with, and the glaring lack of honesty and expression serves only to frustrate, rather than challenge and edify. I pray that the church wakes up to that fact before it's too late, but time is running out. Thankfully, some women are fighting back by exposing the sin, deception, lies, and unrealistic expectations of our culture.
Both what we see and hear in the world around us and what we learned, were taught, or picked up as children are responsible for the view that sexuality and beauty are one and the same (i.e. attractiveness inherently equates to, or spawns, sexual desire). Yet this is not God's view. We can't reclaim Eden, but we can have the same attitude and perspective in the way we think, feel about, and treat women—that of honoring them by seeing and acknowledging beauty in context (both physically and within them)—with the right motives and intentions.
When I see a colorful sunset or a majestic mountain, it's breathtaking, and I admire its beauty. That's how I feel when I see a woman. To me, every aspect about her is beautiful, and not just physically, but emotionally and mentally—the way she thinks, feels, speaks, and carries herself—and this is just the tip of the iceberg. God created women in an incredibly beautiful way, and they need not look like Miss America for this to ring true. In addition, beauty does not—and should not—ever imply sexual desire or lust. I understand that there is a fine line between the two, but it is possible to admire without having lustful thoughts. There's a big difference between them. I find the concept of "bouncing your eyes" when you see a woman—touted by the authors of Every Man's Battle—as not only impractical, but downright ludicrous. Not only does it make you think about it more, but it's an insult to the beauty God created and blessed women with and denigrates His character. Did God endow women with curves, charm, poise, and femininity so he could test our discipline and resolve in turning away from it? 'Bouncing your eyes' is confirmation that you are incapable of treasuring without lusting. The idea of praying for a lady if you're tempted to lust after her is far more practical than this. There needs to be full admiration of, and appreciation for, women as God intended; thoughts of "she's beautiful" instead of "she's sexy." Jesus makes it clear that looking with lust for her is what's sin; not admiration or attraction:
Matthew 5:28 (NIV 1984) "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Women take time and effort to look their best and take pride in their appearance—it's important to them. They want, and need, to know that they are beautiful. What does it say about us if the things they value—and that God created for good—become the very things we twist and try to deem as 'evil'? One woman shares about this:
"...I, too, see it as a cop out. I believe Christian men have been led to believe the lie that they will always struggle with lusting after women. It's taught when they are teens, and supported through adulthood. This lie leads them to treat half the Christian population like they are invisible (bouncing the eyes) and keeps them from reaching out to women who aren't believers because they may be dressed skimpily.Yes, men can and do have lust problems, but they don't have to be slaves to lust! Jesus came to set us free—how do we display that freedom with the current ways we teach men? Seems to me they become even more enslaved to the program of keeping themselves 'pure' while beautiful sisters in Christ are not looked at, not talked to, etc. because these teens/men are encouraged to 'bounce their eyes.'
Yes, it's a sore spot for me as a beautiful woman who is friends with beautiful women who have all felt weird by men who won't look at us when we say hi!"
Again, if we are incapable of admiring and appreciating without lust, then we are in sad shape indeed.
The ability to simply admire, respect, and acknowledge the beauty that God has given women is there, and we need to use it. I wish I could genuinely affirm and personally tell women that they're beautiful, because it's the truth; but I can't do that without coming across as having an ulterior motive or questionable intentions, as the world we live in neither promotes nor wants this philosophy. In the midst of mistrust and lawsuits, the truth is inevitably subject to suspicion. Most speakers on the subject of purity are too quick in pointing fingers. The truth is that there are many beautiful and attractive things about women that have nothing to do with lust or sex; their eyes, hair, smile, the way they think and feel about things, the form and curves of their body, the sound of their voice, the way they move and carry themselves, how they laugh; their intuition, energy, and sense of humor.
A pleasant, heart-felt smile is all that is needed to acknowledge beauty when we see it, and should never limit itself to the physical. There is great beauty to be found in patience, tact, politeness, a listening ear, understanding, and acceptance without criticism or judging. Wolf whistles (or similar responses) underline the fact that the men who use them not only lack respect and sensitivity for women, but know—and show—only lust.
Only God sees and knows our hidden motives and thoughts, but with His help, we can see to it that we acknowledge and practice that which is good and not only honors Him, but also the women He created and blessed.
It seems two of the biggest underlying myths that prevail in both the church and society in general are that women do not have—or shouldn't have—sexual desire or feelings, and that it's all that men have or know. I resent the fact that most purity conferences are targeted only at men, as though they are the only ones with sexual struggles and temptations. Even in conservative circles, honest personal testimonies whether in-person or via blog prove these wrong. Even years ago, the pastor of a conservative church I attended in the late 90s shared how, right after he preached a message about men and the problem of lust, was approached by a lady who pointed out that many women also struggled with it. With this in mind, I do not appreciate being indiscriminately judged. It is neither assuming nor presumptuous to address both men and women/girls on this subject; it is, in fact, necessary (see beggarsdaughter.com and dirtygirlsministries.com).
I will be the first person to say that we need safeguards, as temptation is a real and dangerous thing. Yet as a man who longs to someday be a loving husband and father, it hurts deeply when you're reminded of the fact that you cannot be trusted to change a girl's diaper. I'm not criticizing or blaming them, but regardless of how they really think and feel, the truth remains that girls and women never have to live with the image of being a sexual threat. Speaking for myself, I am a passionate and sensual person, but I don't ever want to say or do anything to a girl or woman without full respect and sensitivity for them. I want to do what is right, but being systematically classified as a sexual predator will not help. I need encouragement; not finger pointing. Whether or not implied, this image of men is commonly held in the attitudes and views made in seminars, books, and sermons, and I will never give ear to anything that doesn't first respect me as a person. I appreciate those who give a balanced, biblical viewpoint of sexuality without subjectivity or throwing stones.
"Christian mentoring about sex for young singles? Isn't this dangerous and counter-productive? Counseling about sex is only for engaged or married couples!" Think again. The vast majority of young people today have grown up without godly parents or mentors to help them through the confusing mess that the media and world around them constantly bombards their hearts and minds with in regards to sex. For obvious reasons, mentoring should always be conducted with carefully-placed boundaries and accountability. However, it is desperately needed, because the harsh reality is that young people have been exposed to all the wrong messages and beliefs about sex from the Internet, movies, music, and friends—and in far more detail than you want to know. Frank, but appropriately objective, biblical, and medically accurate discussion about sex as God intended are critical to helping young people recognize and stand against sexual sin in today's world. The fallacies and damage of pornography must be exposed, the deceit being purported by the mass media countered, and the unique differences between men and women that are under attack defended. Godly respect, appreciation, and admiration for one another needs to be instilled and encouraged.
So what can we do to build up and encourage members of the opposite sex in a biblical way? First of all, we can implement the simplest of biblical commands: that of being attentive, and striving to understand each other without belittling or demeaning each other's differences and attributes. Think Rob & Laura Petrie of The Dick van Dyke show. Not perfect, but real and motivated by genuine love. This means not making jokes about men or women, snide comments about marital strife, or commenting on how you think your husband is insensitive, or your wife is too emotional. Compliment your spouse in front of others and behind their back, being careful to honor their privacy. Work on finding positive things to say rather than things that will hurt. A healthy relationship (let alone an intimate, sexual one) cannot exist between a husband and wife who put each other down by nagging, complaining, or making jokes about each other in public or private. If it helps, imagine your spouse is standing next to you whenever you talk about them. We can present a balanced view of sexuality to believers and non-believers alike, by sharing how God intended it to be something beautiful, safe, loving, and pleasurable; not dirty, cheap, or selfish. Unbelievers will be more likely to listen if we have something positive to say instead of adhering to a self-righteous, negative tone, and most importantly, when we actively live what we believe.
Secondly, if you're at a purity conference and have the opportunity to, ask the tough questions that need to be addressed—not glossed over, such as:
Start concentrating on things about the personality of the opposite sex that you appreciate, and if you have the opportunity to compliment sincerely without being misconstrued or misunderstood, do so, making sure your intent is clear. Say something you appreciate about the individual, or men and women in general; again, being careful to do so in context. If there's any question in your mind about context or how it might be received, then don't. Remember though that a compliment doesn't exist until it is verbalized. Just thinking a compliment isn't one. Someone's thoughtfulness, attitude, perspective, or their kind word of encouragement are all things that can uplift and build.
One thing remains clear: sexuality can only be meaningful and fulfilling when true love and commitment—not simply lust—are at the center of it. Love is what enables the full extent of feeling and sustains desire. While both lust and love change over time, only love considers the person as a whole. Anyone who is honest with themselves will find it difficult to argue against love, respect, commitment through marriage between husband and wife, honesty, sensitivity, and selflessness being crucial attributes of a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship in obedience to God through Scripture. I believe these things are a key part of what constitute a balanced, biblical view of sexuality.
Related links and files: by Pastor Dave Engbrecht: "Straight Talk about Sex" (PDF outline, WMA audio, 36.3MB) | by Pastor David L. Hatton: "The Dance of the Sexes" (PDF outline, web page) | biblicalsexuality.com | themarriagebed.com | intimacyinmarriage.com | To Love, Honor, and Vacuum | beggarsdaughter.com and additional articles by Jessica Harris | dirtygirlsministries.com | bible.org: A Touchy Issue (PDF, MP3)
Note: some opinions expressed in some of the links above may not necessarily reflect my own.
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