Thoughts: Biblical Sexuality

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Biblical Sexuality

"There is no beauty in sex without love."

Coming to terms with it

There are a slew of beliefs and messages about sexuality that we have been bombarded with since we were old enough to grasp even the basics of it, and as a Christian, I continue to wrestle with the right perspective and understanding of it. The greatest challenge is trying to apply the biblical truth I know, while filtering both the world's and the church's views and messages through it.

For those who grew up in a conservative environment, the subject of sexuality was likely never discussed or even mentioned, and if it was, it was probably considered something shameful and necessary only for the sake of having children. For those in a secular environment, it may have been openly discussed and shared, and perhaps even engaged in, but the experiences may well have resulted in emotional, mental, and physical scars.

Trying to separate fact from fiction and opinion is an extensive and difficult process, and finding objective sources of information about sexuality is equally challenging. Thankfully, the Internet has made it easier, but care must be taken to think through what we read.

In His Word, God is not bashful about sexuality; after all, He created it. Shouldn't our response be the same? Some theologians tell us that the Song of Solomon is meant to portray the relationship of Christ and His church. Yet why did God choose to use what is arguably very sensual imagery to do that if sexuality is something to be shunned or is simply inappropriate? God makes no apology for His Word, and yet we seem to treat this part of Scripture (as well as select others) as though it were NC-17 material. Childhood context/understanding aside, sexuality is relevant to everyone--single or married. To some extent, we all think about and deal with it on at least a personal level.

Designed by God

Although it's only logical to assume that Adam and Eve were sexually endowed and prepared for it, it's interesting that sexuality didn't seem to exist until after they sinned. Scripture doesn't spell it out, but it seems to imply that Adam and Eve never made love until their eyes were opened (no mention or even hint of any sexual relationship between them). This is the first recorded act of sexuality in the Bible:

Genesis 4:1 (NLT) "Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, "With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!""

God never downplays the beauty of His creation even after sin entered the world, nor does (or would) He ever condemn sexuality in and of itself--just the misuse of it. However, there seems to be a very deeply entrenched belief and view that both sexuality and our bodies are something inherently dirty and sinful. Yet God never intended nakedness to be shameful, and legal requirements aside, we should neither flaunt nor be ashamed of how God has made us:

Genesis 2:25 (NIV) "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."

The only guilt and shame we should ever feel is that of disobedience against God. The right perspective is the one that God has of us, and wants for us. It was only when sin entered the world that nakedness became seen as shameful, and not by God; by Adam and Eve:

Genesis 3:6-7 (NLT) "The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves."

God was neither embarrassed by their nakedness, nor did He condemn it. Their nakedness was not the instigator of their shame--their sin was. God did, however, condemn and punish their disobedience which, as a consequence, made them aware of their nakedness (Genesis 3:14-19) and subsequent shame. Granted, because of sin we need to dress modestly, but again, our bodies are not something to be ashamed of.

How we feel about our bodies can affect how we feel about ourselves as a person, and it will definitely affect our relationship with a spouse. By using the physical body as an example, Paul illustrated the need for unity in the spiritual body of believers in the following passage--the bottom line being that no part of our body (whether physical or spiritual) should be looked down on or treated as dirty or contemptible:

1 Corinthians 12:22-25 (NIV) "On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other."

The process of learning

"My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar--I went steady with a woodpecker till I was 21." -- Bob Hope

It comes as no surprise that even for the world at large (let alone the Christian) sexuality is both a simple and yet incredibly complex subject. A quick glance at any magazine addressing sexual matters reveals a lot of confusion and frustration from both men and women searching for honest answers and solutions to their questions. So where do we get our information from? In this regard, sexuality is undoubtedly one of Christianity's biggest 'black holes'.

Growing up, boys and girls naturally have questions about their own anatomy and sexuality, as well as that of the opposite gender. The response of parents to these questions can either be very helpful or detrimental to one's view of sexuality--especially considering that once we reach a certain age, our inquisitiveness often becomes a liability, and the learning process may suffer or even die completely, resulting in confusion, fear, or misunderstandings that affect relationships and intimacy.

Seeing as it's reserved for marriage, most of us have obviously never had the opportunity to investigate the anatomy of the opposite sex up close, and even in a long-term relationship where spouses are comfortable with each other doesn't guarantee knowledge or understanding. Entering into marriage without experience is not an issue; but entering without knowledge and a willingness to learn will prove to be. Many men enter into marriage unable to identify the parts of a woman's anatomy--and even more suprisingly--many women cannot identify their own, either. Sadly, it's assumed that by the time they are married, men and women already know and understand their own sexuality and that of their spouse, and if not, a quick "brush-up" during marriage counseling will "fill in the gaps". However, the growing number of books for Christian married couples dealing with sexuality seem to indicate otherwise.

If we're really honest, few of us are willing to admit to being ignorant on a particular matter--especially when it comes to sex--and yet how and where are we supposed to know this? Where do men really learn about the female body or women about men's bodies? Who teaches us? The truth is that no-one does; aside perhaps from some sex education classes in school (which some have never had) or line drawings in text books which do not give an accurate glimpse of reality. Others of us have gathered misinformation from our friends, movies, or the Internet. No-one teaches us the hard facts about our bodies and how to pleasure them when we are younger, because we aren't supposed to have sex or even talk or think about it. Yet one day, we are supposed to somehow magically know about all of the different body parts, what they are called, their nuances, where they are located, what they do or don't do, and how to bring them pleasure.

Resolving this problem, I believe, is crucial--learning as much as we reasonably can in preparation for marriage without compromise. There is a great deal to learn and absorb, and the effort put forward can prevent a lot of confusion and potential problems later on. Granted, care must be taken to ensure our sources are both educational and objective, but we spend a lot of time learning most everything else while our knowledge of sexuality is often neglected and overlooked. Even medical science doesn't know a lot about the female body and sexual response. On the Aug. 22, 2003 broadcast of ABC's 20/20, an expert from an OB/GYN organization stated that we are essentially in the dark ages when it comes to female sexuality--in terms of what we know compared to other areas of medicine. She claimed on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most), our knowledge is about a 2. God gave women a unique and incredible sexuality, but they still remain shrouded in confusion and mystery.

What's so beautiful about sexuality?

Though often misused, sexuality was created and intended to be very beautiful and pleasurable; not merely a means for procreation (read the Song of Solomon if you have any doubts). It constitutes powerful attributes and benefits, such as:

deep physical, mental, and emotional intimacy and bonding
release of sexual tension, bringing relaxation and sleep
great freedom and enjoyment of being, seeing, and experiencing nakedness and vulnerability
giving and receiving the greatest pleasure possible
involving all five senses: touching, hearing, tasting, seeing, and smelling

Why is sexuality so important?

Scripture makes it clear that sexuality plays a critical role in marriage--certainly enough of a concern that Paul addresses it in one of his letters:

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV) "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

It's interesting to note that the reference to "lack of self-control" does not appear to be a negative one--especially considering he uses the word "deprive." Its importance is echoed in the Old Testament:

Deuteronomy 24:5 (NIV) "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."

I venture to say that aside from medical or psychological issues, the depth of a married couple's sexual intimacy is an excellent indicator of their love for each other. In keeping with Scripture on this, a friend of mine (Chelsea) once shared that:

"I believe the importance of sex, in marriage, on a scale from 1 to 10 is a 10. Why? Three reasons:

It is the ultimate unification of man and wife; you cannot get closer to another human than by doing this.

It is the ultimate expression of love; it develops a closeness and a bond that should not be broken.

It's FUN (so I've heard)--or at least should be.

...I honestly believe that a couple's sex life can say a lot about their marriage. You cannot be constantly fighting with your spouse, and making love every night. You cannot avoid communication, and make love every night. You cannot be completely selfish, and make love every night. It just doesn't work."

It's also critical enough of an issue for the single person that Paul states the following:

1 Corinthians 7:9 (NIV) "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

The translation of this same verse from The Message describes it in no uncertain terms:

1 Corinthians 7:9 (The Message) "I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single."

For the single person, this is a very real issue; though I have yet to hear this biblical perspective discussed or addressed in any length in the church.

The need for intimacy, and frustration of unfulfillment

I strongly disagree with Christians who repudiate the God-given, deep-seated need that people have for intimacy. I'm not referring solely to sex here, as without love and intimacy, sex means nothing. I'm referring to the deep need to be touched, and feel loved, wanted, and desired by someone of the opposite sex. Nowhere in Scripture does God indicate that the need for intimacy from another human being could, or would, be met by Him. It is a specific need designed by God to be met in a specific way by a member of the opposite sex. Although Scripture never says why, it is very clear about this:

Genesis 2:18 (NIV) "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.""

Genesis 2:24 (NIV) "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

If you were to remove the pat answers within the church (in regards to those for whom intimacy remains unfulfilled) and ask how it feels to yearn for physical, emotional, and sexual fulfillment, you'd encounter several tough but honest facts:

It does exist, and never goes away, because in addition to spiritual beings, we were also created with physical, emotional, and sexual attributes, needs, and desires.
Until fulfilled, it will remain--in some form--a very real need and void.
The physical and sexual yearning (not temptation) for intimacy without fulfillment is extremely frustrating; again, going back to 1 Corinthians 7:9.
It is neglected, and at best, glossed over by the church.
A little encouragement to the effect of "you're doing the right thing--hang in there!" would go a long way.

How dare I challenge scripture? No, no heresy here. I'm not insinuating or advocating non-biblical means of sexual expression, but rather simple acknowledgement of the struggle. Just an honest look at the tough facts that few people seem willing to admit or address. Reality is such that life without any form of intimacy becomes survival. I venture to say that even the apostle Paul likely wrestled with this issue, knowing he had the same struggles as any man:

Romans 7:18-19 (NIV) "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."

What's missing without it? Companionship, touch, openness and safe vulnerability, completion, pleasure, and fulfillment--to name but a few.

Does it even exist?

Is ongoing, truly fulfilling sexual intimacy prevalent among married couples? My guess for the vast majority would be no. The rather obvious struggles and challenges of married life, coupled with the proliferation of books and other media--whether secular or Christian--seeking to resolve those problems seems to indicate that, although much sought after, it's sadly more of a joy in theory and a dream in practice. While I don't intend to read into anything, the hindrances to enjoying sexuality as God intended are many: whether stress, demands on time, social beliefs/expectations, physical reasons such as depression or hormonal imbalances, childhood abuse, fears, or feelings of physical or sexual inadequacy (to name a few). It undoubtedly takes a great deal of understanding and genuine desire on the part of both spouses to sustain fulfillment; setting aside time and intentionally creating and maintaining an atmosphere or environment that allows for sexual feeling and expression.

Balance lost

I really struggle with the lack of balance in acknowledging both the beauty of our bodies, and sexuality as God created them. On the one hand, you have the world pushing sex to the extreme with all the wrong messages and motives, and on the other, you have Christians who seem to treat sexuality (and anything connected with it) as though it were inherently ugly and sinful. It's as though the church in general relegates it to a dark, dusty corner of marriage--intentionally neglecting the beauty of sexuality in its biblical context.

"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." -- Don Schrader

Naturally, the world is only too happy to amplify and tout that impression, and Satan will do anything he can to distort and cheapen the beauty of what God has created and intended for good. I believe that somewhere between these two opposing views lies the biblical balance. In the early 90s, Josh McDowell had two t-shirts made for his "Why Wait?" tours: the shirt for singles had "I'm NOT doing it" written on the front, and a list of reasons why not on the back. The shirt for married couples simply stated "I'm doing it, and enjoying God's plan." To me, this was a great (but rare) example of balance.

Avoiding the problem

When it comes to attitudes and responsiveness, there are many similarities between typical sex education in the home, and biblical sexuality in the church: that of "avoid whenever possible." One could almost imagine discussion of it taking the form of a contestant's challenge on Fear Factor. It seems that the best the church can muster are rare, and brief "if you really have to know, then, yes--it's okay to enjoy sex in marriage" statements and leave it at that. As long as there are books wherein people can read about it, why mention it from the pulpit? The truth is that minimizing it is a statement in itself--a reflection of how the church in general sees, and thinks of it. This only creates more doubt and questions in the minds of young people, and causes them to turn to the wrong sources for their answers. Sexuality in marriage should be a lot more than just "okay". It needs to be addressed more frequently, and esteemed and prized as much as God does in His Word. The media's belittling of sexuality in marriage is as deadly as it is to marriage itself, and the longer the church is silent about it, the easier it is to believe that it's just not worth waiting for.

It's hard to argue against the view that sexuality from a biblical perspective is woefully unaddressed, and I dare say that most Christians are at odds with even the thought of dealing with it. Undoubtedly, one's generation and personal background play a major role in this, as does any possible abuse suffered during childhood. It's understandably a difficult subject to tackle (considering the right balance needs to be found within the context of Scripture), yet it's rare that you hear sexuality addressed within the church, and when you do, even less likely that you'll hear a positive viewpoint presented. The stakes are high in terms of criticism from people within the church on both sides of the subject--thankfully God's Word is the final authority! However, contrary to Scripture, it's much easier for the church to simply take the opposite view of the world without lauding the positives--the beautiful, honorable, desirable aspects of it:

Song of Solomon 7:11-12 (NKJV) "Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love."

Proverbs 5:18-19 (NIV) "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer--may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."

Hebrews 13:4 (NIV) "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

Genesis 26:8 (NIV) "When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah."

In an Adult Bible Fellowship (a.k.a. Sunday School) class at church I attended a number of years ago, the leadership asked each person in the class to submit their questions about dating and the opposite sex. The response was overwhelming--resulting in a couple of pages full of questions. However, only two of those questions were ever addressed. Such is the need today, and it will only grow in intensity as we are increasingly surrounded by non-biblical views of sexuality. It's time the church stepped up to the plate and addressed it rather than retreat from it.

Separating beauty and sexuality

Both what we see in the media/world around us and what is engrained in us through what we learned or were taught as children (whether or not implied) are responsible for the view that sexuality and beauty are one and the same (in other words, attractiveness inherently equates to, or spawns, sexual desire). Yet this is not God's view. We can't reclaim Eden, but we can have the same attitude and perspective in the way we think/feel about, and treat women--that of honoring them by seeing and acknowledging beauty (both physically and within them)--with the right motives and intentions.

When I see a colorful sunset or a majestic mountain, it's breathtaking, and I admire its beauty. That's how I feel when I see a woman. To me, every aspect about her is beautiful, and not just physically, but emotionally and mentally--the way she thinks, feels, speaks, and carries herself--and this is just the tip of the iceberg. God created women in an incredibly beautiful way, and they need not look like Miss America for this to ring true. In addition, beauty does not--and should not--ever imply sexual desire or lust. I understand there's a fine line between the two, but it is possible to admire without lusting or having wrong thoughts. There's a big difference between them. I find the concept of "bouncing your eyes" when you see a woman--touted by the authors of Every Man's Battle--as not only impractical, but downright ludricrous. Not only does it make you think about it more, but it's an insult to the beauty God created women with and denigrates His character. Did God endow women with curves, charm, poise, and femininity so he could test our discipline and resolve in turning away from it? 'Bouncing your eyes' is confirmation that you are incapable of treasuring without lusting. The idea of praying for a lady if you're tempted to lust after her is far more practical than this. There needs to be full admiration of, and appreciation for, women as God intended; thoughts of "she's beautiful" instead of "she's sexy." Scripture makes it clear that looking with lust for her is what's sin; not admiration or attraction:

Matthew 5:28 (NASB) "...but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Women take time and effort to look their best and take pride in their appearance--it's important to them. They want, and need, to know that they are beautiful. What does it say about us if the things they value--and that God created for good--become the very things we twist and warp into something evil? Again, if we are incapable of admiring and appreciating without lust, then we are in sad shape indeed.

The capability to simply admire, respect, and acknowledge the beauty that God has given women is there, and we need to use it. I wish I could genuinely affirm and personally tell women that they're beautiful, because it's the truth; but I can't do that without coming across as having an ulterior motive or questionable intentions, because the world we live in neither promotes nor wants this philosophy, and in the midst of mistrust and lawsuits, the truth is inevitably subject to suspicion. Most speakers on the subject of purity are too quick in pointing fingers. The truth is that there are many beautiful and attractive things about women that have nothing to do with lust or sex; their eyes, hair, smile, the way they think and feel about things, the form and curves of their body, the sound of their voice, the way they move and carry themselves, how they laugh; their intuition, energy, and sense of humor.

A pleasant, heart-felt smile is all that is needed to acknowledge beauty when we see it, and should never limit itself to the physical. There is great beauty to be found in patience, tact, politeness, a listening ear, understanding, and acceptance without criticism or judging. Wolf whistles (or similar responses) underline the fact that the men who use them not only lack respect and sensitivity for women, but know--and show--only lust.

Only God sees and knows our hidden motives and thoughts, but with His help, we can see to it that we acknowledge and practice that which is good and not only honors Him, but also the women He created and blessed.

Myth busting: women do not have sexual feelings, men only have sexual feelings

It seems two of the biggest underlying myths that prevail in both the church and society in general are that women do not have--or shouldn't have--sexual feelings, and that it's all that men have or know. I resent the fact that most purity conferences are targeted only at men, as though they are the only ones with sexual struggles and temptations. Even in very conservative circles (and surprisingly once from a conservative pulpit), I have witnessed comments and responses that prove these wrong (as do growing statistics). I, for one, do not appreciate being indiscriminately judged. It is neither assuming nor presumptuous to address both men and women on this subject; it is, in fact, necessary.

I will be the first person to say that we need safeguards, as temptation is a real and dangerous thing. Yet as a man who longs to someday be a loving husband and father, it hurts deeply when you're reminded of the fact that you cannot be trusted to change a girl's diaper. I'm not criticizing or blaming them, but regardless of how they really think and feel, the truth remains that girls and women never have to live with the image of being a sexual threat. Speaking for myself, I am a passionate and sensual person, but I don't ever want to say or do anything to a girl or woman without full respect and sensitivity for them. I want to do what is right, but being systematically classified as a sexual predator will not help. I need encouragement; not finger pointing. Whether or not implied, this image of men is commonly held in the attitudes and views made in seminars, books, and sermons, and I will never give ear to anything that doesn't first respect me as a person. I appreciate those who give a balanced, biblical viewpoint of sexuality without subjectivity or throwing stones.

Open vents?

I've only witnessed it once, but it's refreshing to have guarded and general--not graphic--discussion of sexuality between Christian men and women in a small group setting. The goal being to simply share the struggles and frustrations encountered in striving for godly living while acknowledging the beautiful, positive aspects of sexuality and ways in which God has made us. Presuppositions, assumptions, and stereotypes of the opposite sex abound, and often the perspective we have of each other is vastly different once we realize there are similar struggles and earnest desires to live and love as God intended us to. We know both men and women think about it, but we seem frightened of even hinting at what we really think and feel for fear of what others will think of us. Again, I have only seen this openness happen once (and as an observer), but it was clearly helpful to everyone, and I believe honoring to God. As it should have been, it was neither lewd nor suggestive. Whether intentional or not, most Christians (especially young people) have already been exposed to things that the church remains too intimidated to acknowledge and deal with, and the glaring lack of honesty and expression serves only to frustrate, rather than challenge and edify. Someday the church might wake up to that fact before it's too late, but the clock is ticking.

Positive reinforcement

So what can we do to build up and encourage members of the opposite sex in a biblical way? First of all, we can implement the simplest of biblical commands: that of listening intently to, and striving to understand each other without belittling or demeaning each other's differences and attributes. This means not making jokes about men or women in general, snide comments about marital strife, or commenting on how you think your husband is insensitive, or your wife is too emotional. Compliment your spouse in front of others and behind their back. Work on finding positive things to say rather than things that will hurt. A healthy relationship (let alone an intimate, sexual one) cannot exist between a husband and wife who complain or joke about each other in public or private. If it helps, imagine your spouse is standing next to you whenever you talk about them. We can present a balanced view of sexuality to believers and non-believers alike, by sharing how God intended it to be something beautiful, safe, loving, and pleasurable; not dirty, cheap, or selfish. Unbelievers will be more likely to listen if we have something positive to say instead of adhering to a self-righteous, negative tone. As my friend Chelsea again confided:

"People are not taught, for the most part, that sexual intimacy is a powerful and sacred thing and very beautiful and wonderful when used in the right context, but instead they are told their whole lives, "Sex is bad...sex is bad...sex is bad...sex is bad..." then they get married and it's suddenly okay. I know too many girls who have felt dirty after being with their husbands on their wedding nights because of how they've been taught their whole lives. That just isn't right."

Secondly, if you're at a purity conference and have the opportunity to, ask questions that are designed to challenge and make others think, such as:

"In what ways are attraction and lust different?"
"Can a man admire the beauty of a woman without sinning? If so, how?"
"What does the Bible say about the positives of sexual intimacy, and are they important?"

Start concentrating on things about the personality of the opposite gender that you appreciate, and if you have the opportunity to compliment sincerely without being misconstrued or misunderstood, do so, making sure your intent is clear. Say something you appreciate about the individual, or men and women in general; again, being careful to do so in context. If there's any question in your mind about context or how it might be received, then don't. Remember though that a compliment doesn't exist until it is verbalized. Just thinking a compliment isn't one. Someone's thoughtfulness, attitude, perspective, or their kind word of encouragement are all things that can uplift and build.

One thing remains clear: sexuality can only be meaningful and fulfilling when true love and commitment--not simply lust--are at the center of it. Love is the powerhouse that enables the full extent of feeling and sustains desire. While both lust and love change over time, only love considers the person as a whole. Anyone who is honest with themselves will find it difficult to argue against love, respect, commitment, honesty, sensitivity, and selflessness being crucial attributes of a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. I believe these things are a key part of what constitute a balanced, biblical view of sexuality.

Related links/files: themarriagebed.com | Straight Talk about Sex (.pdf outline, .wma audio)